I'm home, the children are all in bed, Daniel is gone. He's been gone all day. I hate days like that, but today has been tolerable. He went to church to hang (chaperone) with the youth during their Wednesday night Bible study, then got called into work before he had a chance to come home. It's nearly 10:00 and he isn't home. He is such a strong and loyal, hard worker. I admire that about him. That is a characteristic I lack most of the time.

This has been a crying week for me. Meaning, it takes very little to take me to a sad place. It's that kind of cry that, once started, you cry about ten different things all at the same time. I guess I need it, who knows. It's been a hard month, I know that...

It's hard to not question why God calls us to something, when we don't see anything good come from it. I know sometimes we will never know why we were called to do things, and other times, we will eventually have that "ooh ah" moment of revelation. It's hard to not think: did I manufacture the 'call' that I felt or was it real? I guess I must admit that I am so immature in my faith that I still need to 'feel good' to feel like I'm doing God's will. My brain tells me that isn't true, but my heart and emotions cause me doubt. Without seeing the 'fruit' of our situation, I am left feeling defeated and like a failure. A failure to this child and a failure to my mission for the Lord. (sigh)

I was reading my last post "Incomplete Thoughts." The reference to 'getting bad news that I was afraid would shake up our lives...' well...it did indeed. My mother died. Those words still don't make sense to me. She D I E D. That means that my mom, who was alive, well, healthy, energetic, and such a HUGE part of my everyday life...is now not here anymore. But how can that be? I'm still so confused. It was so fast. Oh God...why? WHY? Why? Why her? Don't you know that I need her? I don't need to just "see her again one day." I NEED her NOW. I really have never questioned You. I question you now, I can't help but to. I'm sorry for that. But it is real, it's me. You know it anyway.

So, that paragraph was wierd, I know. That's just where I'm at tonight I guess...I'm at "wierd."

Mercyme's "Finally Home" is playing now. Really? Thanks Lord...you really know me.

I'm just going to stop writing for now... this is all unintelligable anyway. Goodnight.