You Say It Best, When You Say Nothing At All

Sunday, June 6th, 2010

Isn't this a beautiful picture? I found it on a friend's facebook page and had to have a copy of it. This is the steeple on our church, FBC Commerce.

I spent the better part of today in meetings at church. I guess they are a necessary evil when you are planning things, but sometimes, like today, they become pity parties for overwhelmed volunteers. If you serve, do it with a servant's heart or don't do it at all. I can't imagine God is pleased when we work so hard for Him and then cry about how overworked we are. I think that sometimes we all get this way. I know I have. Learning how to remember that we are here to live a purposeful life for Christ in a selfless way is uber hard. I am getting better at this life lesson from my experiences with foster care and mothering in general. Still far from mastery. If I can remind myself every 5 minutes that "my life is not about me!" then I make it through the days much easier.

I hate hot east Texas weather. Its dry and heavy and wet and takes your breath away. It breeds mosquitos.

Patsy Cline and Old Memories

Today we took the girls to see a musical at the TAMU-C University Playhouse called Always, Patsy. It was basically a concert, with a little acting in between. I was entranced the whole time. It washed me with wonderful snippits of memories of being a child growing up in our old house. Some of being in the kitchen, where we had a radio that played from the time we woke up to the time we went to bed. Unlike some homes, our kitchen was USED. It's where we spent most of our time. Cooking, cleaning up (no dishwasher back in those times,) sitting around the dining table eating, playing cards or dominoes, reading the newspaper, doing homework, watching my mom sit with her caboodle in front of her carefully putting on her makeup. She had this little tool that has a black handle and the top is a metal spike about toothpick sized, that she would use to seperate her eyelashes after she applied her mascara. I was always so scared the was going to jab herself in the eyeball! She never did. Memories of being upstairs when my mom and dad were turning part of the attic into a bedroom for me. They worked SO hard on it and I was SO proud. I remember being up there when they were painting. They actually LET me pick the color, it was such an honor! My favorite color at the time was yellow, so that's what they painted it. I had a little tape player that was red, it looked kind of purposefully 80's style and had yellow balls on top for knobs. I played our Patsy Cline tapes over and over in it while they painted and I danced around. I can so vividly see my mom on her hands and knees painting close to the door and he was painting close to my built-in desk while "Walkin' After Midnight" played. Memories of helping my mom clean the house, spotless, before she had some friends over. Like I said, the radio was ALWAYS on, so we were singing along to all the old goodies. I remember that day Ricky Skaggs came on a lot. She was working in the livingroom and I was in the hall dusting the antique washbasin stand, and I remember talking to her about my cousin, who was coming in from college to visit my for the weekend. My cousin used to buy me these small red heart stickers from the campus store and I remember saying how I hoped she brought me some. Memories of camping in the summers with the radio the whole time. It took my mom days and days to pack up to go camping. We took everything! We had camping fridges, camping fans, camping stoves, every utensil we could ever need, etc. I used to sit and watch her wondering how she had all the energy to do all that work just to go camping for a few days! Was it really worth it? ha! I remember one summer they let me take my friend Lacy along. We went out on the boat for awhile and Lacy and I got SO sunburned. Back at the campsite, we used my Noxema cream to ease the pain. My mom saw us and told us that was probably keeping the heat in and she was right...ouch! My mom had these blue flip flops that she wore during the summers, seems like she had the same pair for my whole childhood. Memories of being in my clubhouse my dad built for me (when I was about too old to use it!) But I carried my tape player out there and we listened to Patsy Cline up there, too. My dad used to sleep underneath the clubhouse on one of those lounge lawn chairs. I didn't know he did, until I was older, but my mom told me he did. Momma painted a sign for me to hang on the outside of the clubhouse. I remember sitting at the dining room table watching her paint it and she painted the words 'Dos Amigas' on it and telling me that it meant 'two girls that are friends.' As wierd as it was, I could almost imagine her sitting on my left side at the play today. I really could, and I wasn't even consciously trying to. People say that loved ones live on in you. I can believe that because she is everywhere I am, in every special occasion, in every conversation, in every home project we start. Once my kitchen is done being remodeled, she will be there too. Everytime I look at my cabinets, I will think of her. We use to sit and try to plan how my cabinets would look once we got new ones and what neat features we could include. What we really tried to figure out was how to work in a double oven but my kitchen just isn't made for one. I think she would really, really LOVE what we have picked out. That makes me so glad. I came home tonight and almost immediatley programmed a Patsy Cline station on Pandora. Right now, "Crazy" is playing. It's not playing enough Patsy for my taste, so I may go dig out my cd. I guess I have to wrap this blog post up because it is time to haul out another cabinet (Daniel is taking down our old ones.) FYI - Loretta Lynn is now singing and that brings up a whole other set up great memories of my mom! ha, I guess I will write those down another day!

I'm home, the children are all in bed, Daniel is gone. He's been gone all day. I hate days like that, but today has been tolerable. He went to church to hang (chaperone) with the youth during their Wednesday night Bible study, then got called into work before he had a chance to come home. It's nearly 10:00 and he isn't home. He is such a strong and loyal, hard worker. I admire that about him. That is a characteristic I lack most of the time.

This has been a crying week for me. Meaning, it takes very little to take me to a sad place. It's that kind of cry that, once started, you cry about ten different things all at the same time. I guess I need it, who knows. It's been a hard month, I know that...

It's hard to not question why God calls us to something, when we don't see anything good come from it. I know sometimes we will never know why we were called to do things, and other times, we will eventually have that "ooh ah" moment of revelation. It's hard to not think: did I manufacture the 'call' that I felt or was it real? I guess I must admit that I am so immature in my faith that I still need to 'feel good' to feel like I'm doing God's will. My brain tells me that isn't true, but my heart and emotions cause me doubt. Without seeing the 'fruit' of our situation, I am left feeling defeated and like a failure. A failure to this child and a failure to my mission for the Lord. (sigh)

I was reading my last post "Incomplete Thoughts." The reference to 'getting bad news that I was afraid would shake up our lives...' well...it did indeed. My mother died. Those words still don't make sense to me. She D I E D. That means that my mom, who was alive, well, healthy, energetic, and such a HUGE part of my everyday life...is now not here anymore. But how can that be? I'm still so confused. It was so fast. Oh God...why? WHY? Why? Why her? Don't you know that I need her? I don't need to just "see her again one day." I NEED her NOW. I really have never questioned You. I question you now, I can't help but to. I'm sorry for that. But it is real, it's me. You know it anyway.

So, that paragraph was wierd, I know. That's just where I'm at tonight I guess...I'm at "wierd."

Mercyme's "Finally Home" is playing now. Really? Thanks Lord...you really know me.

I'm just going to stop writing for now... this is all unintelligable anyway. Goodnight.