God With Me, In My Storms, Blessed Be The Name of the Lord!

I know people feel close to God in the good times.

When they are celebrating good news, a new job, a new baby, a healing...people will say "God is so good" or "God has surely blessed us!"  I don't disagree or have any problems with the thinking in those proclamations.  He definitely IS good and He most assuredly does bless us.  When people are happy, they want to shout and praise God for everyone to hear so they can know, or be reminded, that God is gracious and have hope for themselves in their own lives.  Me?  I feel close to God in those times.  I celebrate, too!  But, as a believer, I also celebrate my hard times. 

When life is overwhelming me, when the rain is beating me down, when my nerves are frazzled, when all I want to do is hide and get away from everything and everyone, those are the times when I can most physically feel God holding me. 

His voice thunders to me "Cindy, my child...I'm right here!  Rest." 

 

I only survive this life I'm living because He gets me through each day and that fact alone should bring all the glory and honor to Him.  I'm mentally weak and mentally fragile.  I lose my patience too much.  I raise my voice too much.  I don't provide enough structure for the family.  I need quiet too often.  I need alone time too much.  I need private time with my husband more frequently than they appreciate.  I resemble nothing at all of the kind of mother my children deserve.  I fail them, even on my best days.  However, God whispers to me that I'm enough.  He placed them with me.  He knows me better than I do and He decided I am the best He has on this earth for them.  I find total rest in that.  It's to His glory, not mine, that our family thrives.  That is clear.

At this very moment, I fight the feeling of guilt again, at disappearing, as I am hiding on the floor of my closet. I slip away from them to tuck away in Him.  I praise God for these hard times, for the days where I want to scream and run away for awhile.  These valleys, these pits of despair...God pulls me up and out and raises me higher.   Would I give the glory to God if my life were easy?   Would I remember to?  Would I take things for granted?  Would I seek Him so desperately if my soul never anguished?  Would I cry out to Him if I never felt guilt, depression, anxiety, stress?  Would I feel the need to hide in my closet for ten minutes of peace and prayer so often, if I was not continually tested?

The glory of this life is not my own.  The things I accomplish are not to my credit.  I am so unworthy that days come where I don't even have the words to cry out to God with.  Those days I rest in the promise that the Holy Spirit intercedes on my behalf.  

Oh God, Your glory is so immense it makes me weep.  Thank you for these days, these months, these years of hard times.  I pray that I never live a life so easy that I forget how to hide in my closet or forget how to take refuge on my bathroom floor with You.  I bask in your gloriousness.

You are glory.  I am Yours.   

Discovering the Sweet in The Bittersweet taste of Mother's Day

Mother's Day brings about mixed emotions for me.  Having lost my mother a little over two years ago, I tend to just want to skip the day entirely.  Sometimes it's easy to forget that I'm not the child in the cycle anymore.  I've lost my grandmother AND my mother, so basically, I'm the matriarch in my branch now.  When I remember, it usually makes me mad...I get wrapped up in all that I am missing out on.  I start to pity myself because I am no one's baby anymore.  And that hurts more than anything.  This is why I prefer to skip it...I hate sinking low and attending self pity parties.  Everyday is a day full of memories for me.  I don't want to spend a whole day bathed in them, even though most are great.  However, that is selfish. I don't want to rob my own children of the chance to celebrate it with me. Mother's day isn't really a day to sit and congratulate yourself on what a great mother you are...its a day for your family to spoil you, and shower you with love.  So, I will look forward to spending the day tomorrow surrounded by the four little darlings that call me Mommy.

I was reading a blog last night written by Beth Moore's daughter, Amanda.  She was talking about all of the women from her childhood that took care of and helped shape her and her sister, most especially while her mom was away speaking.  She called them Village moms.  Of course, that was loosely taken from the old African proverb, "It takes a village to raise a child."  I started thinking about who my Village moms were/are. 

There were so many women who influenced my life, but I believe the two who have had the greatest impact did most of the influencing in my adult life, after my mom died.  I can even recall the exact moment I thought to myself, these women are special.  These women care about me.  They are mothers to their core.  They love me just because I'm me...not because they have to.  Not because we are related by birth or by marriage.  They love me...just Cindy...and it was a profoud moment. 

During the church provided meal, before my mom's funeral is when Betty Bedgood and Glenda Anderson became my Village moms.  They saw behind whatever expression I had pasted on my face, and knew I was in need.  I don't think they ever probably had that thought or even the intention, but because God gave them a mothering soul, they both stepped into that role for me, effortlessly.

Betty Bedgood is my encourager.  She believes in me.  She has always told me I could do anything, even when I seriously debated that with her.  I doubted myself and told her I couldn't.  She said "I beg to differ."  She pushed me to want to be better, do more, expect more, learn more, have more confidence, and to hold my tongue when I let it too loose.  She praised me but also wasn't afraid to tell me when I was in error.  I believe if it wasn't for her confidence in me over the past years, I would still be so shy that I couldn't function in a social setting on my own.  She is a true believer and Christ follower above everything else, but also civic minded, involved in a little bit of everything, and totally in love with her husband.  What an incredible role model and I am proud to think of her as my Village mom.

Glenda Anderson calls me all of those little names that make me feel like a child again.  When I hear her call me "Sweet girl" it takes me to a place inside myself that I hardly ever feel anymore.  She mothers me in a physical, nurturing way.  Her hugs and squeezes, her need to "do" for me, her genuine care for me and for my family.  She loves me.  She makes me feel like I don't have to do anything at all to earn her love, I just have to be myself.  She loves my children.  She is their GiGi and so proud to be, even though there is no family tie.  When I am in her presence, my shoulders sink about three inches because I just feel safe and loved and relaxed with her.  She is my Village mom.  No, actually, she is my Village Momma.

So, tomorrow will be sad for me in some ways, but happy in others.  Instead of being jealous of all the women spending the day with their moms tomorrow, or gushing about how lucky they are, I will spend the day thanking God for the grandmother who was my best friend, my mother who loved me like no other person in this world ever has, for the gifts that He has given me in allowing me to mother Madyson Laine, Audrey Ann, Aaron Mac and Brody Jack and by his grace, one or two more to come.  I will thank him for all of the women who have played a role in mothering me, including my two Village moms.  I love you Betty and GiGi.

Proverbs 31:10-31:

A good woman is hard to find,
and worth far more than diamonds.
Her husband trusts her without reserve,
and never has reason to regret it.
Never spiteful, she treats him generously
all her life long.
She shops around for the best yarns and cottons,
and enjoys knitting and sewing.
She's like a trading ship that sails to faraway places
and brings back exotic surprises.
She's up before dawn, preparing breakfast
for her family and organizing her day.
She looks over a field and buys it,
then, with money she's put aside, plants a garden.
First thing in the morning, she dresses for work,
rolls up her sleeves, eager to get started.
She senses the worth of her work,
is in no hurry to call it quits for the day.
She's skilled in the crafts of home and hearth,
diligent in homemaking.
She's quick to assist anyone in need,
reaches out to help the poor.
She doesn't worry about her family when it snows;
their winter clothes are all mended and ready to wear.
She makes her own clothing,
and dresses in colorful linens and silks.
Her husband is greatly respected
when he deliberates with the city fathers.
She designs gowns and sells them,
brings the sweaters she knits to the dress shops.
Her clothes are well-made and elegant,
and she always faces tomorrow with a smile.
When she speaks she has something worthwhile to say,
and she always says it kindly.
She keeps an eye on everyone in her household,
and keeps them all busy and productive.
Her children respect and bless her;
her husband joins in with words of praise:
"Many women have done wonderful things,
but you've outclassed them all!"
Charm can mislead and beauty soon fades.
The woman to be admired and praised
is the woman who lives in the Fear-of-God.
Give her everything she deserves!
Festoon her life with praises!

Not Your Typical Book Review!

Not your typical book review of

Mom Connection: Creating Vibrant Relationships in the Midst of Motherhood

by Tracey Bianchi

A while back, MOPS International asked moms who blog for help reviewing their new theme book for the 2102-2013 MOPS year, calling it a Mom Blogger Book Tour.  They offered to send two books, one for the reviewer to keep and one to give away to another mom.  Some of you know me well enough to know the three things there in that offer that drew me in.  #1) I love MOPS.  It was really a life changer for me.  #2) I am a sucker for anything free.  #3) I LOVE books written for moms!  I volunteered and was glad when they chose me! 

Getting packages in the mail excites me like a child on Christmas morning, so I was tickled pink the day my mailbox was holding that beautiful brown package.  I brought it in and unwrapped it, while fighting off the dogpile of children begging to open it for me.  (Away littles!  Go find a juice pouch and a snack!  Sigh...its no use.  Their intelligence is evolving...drats!)  Plan B, as is always my plan B, go hide in my bathroom.  If you are a mom, and most of you are, you know how well this works...they smell my absence and within moments the first knock comes.  Two more knocks and a jiggle of the doorknob later, I've finally barked enough of a demand for privacy to at least scare them away for, like, two minutes.  That's all I need though.

Commence first impression of the book, Mom Connection: Creating Vibrant Relationships in the Midst of Motherhood by Tracey Bianchi:

The cover boasts a picture of two cups of coffee and a shared piece of chocolate dessert.  Very nice in theory, but I have two problems with this.  First, a shared piece of dessert???  Really?  We share food with our darlings all day long.  If we manage rare moments alone with a friend to have coffee and dessert, none of the mom friends I know, plan on sharing!  Two, from my experience, a more realistic photo would have been of what I call "car talk."  Car talk is those last minutes right before you go back inside your home, the last few minutes together where you decide its now or never to really share with each other.  And always, ALWAYS, there is a Sonic drink involved.  And after this brief observation, my time in the my bathroom hideaway has come to an end, when the next knock on the bathroom door is from my husband. 

I then offer up the free copy of this book to all of my social media friends.  To my old MOPS group, to my new MOPS group and to all moms I share life with on Facebook.  No one bites...and after a second offer about a week later, still no one is interested.  Finally, about a week later one of my dear friends sends me a quiet message late one night asking if I still have it.  Yes, dear friend...its yours!  She deals with some of the same crazy I deal with so I am so glad she asked for it.  (Dear friend, I'll mail it soon, I promise!)

A few days later and about half way into the book, I am really inspired to get out of my comfort zone and reach out to the group of new moms I've recently joined in MOPS.  I have never ever been the kind of outgoing, social butterfly that makes friends easily.  I am painfully shy and reserved.  I prefer to stay home and in my jammies and not ever risking the chance to feel ignored, unimportant, unworthy or overlooked by other women.  Unfortunatley, in order to find those few friends that become sisters, you have to put yourself out there and risk meeting the ones who will treat you that way, in order to find the ones that will be there for you through thick and thin.

Chapter 2, entitled Teeter Totter: Moving Beyond Competition to Connection, starts with a quote from C.S. Lewis that speaks so much truth, "Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, 'What!  You too?  I thought I was the only one.'"  This chapter was one of my favorites as it hits me most personally.  Its like a great Bible lesson.  It doesn't matter how many times you read it, it always speaks to you again and again, at different times, in different seasons of life, and always at the right time, when you need it most! 

Motherhood can be so lonely.  I use to harp on this so much when I was coordinator for MOPS.  It really is lonely, and there is no way around it...but we certainly don't have to make it harder on ourselves than it has to be.  We crave relationship and connection with other women, but when it comes down to the setting of alarms, and waking up early when you don't have to, showering (gasp!,) getting dressed in clothes that aren't a hundred years old or covered in stains, fixing your hair and makeup, PLUS bathing the kids, packing bags with one extra of everything that they could possibly need on the outing plus a few other things just because, making sure they have enough to eat before you leave so that they don't arrive in meltdown status, making sure they have a sippy and a snack bag for the trip so that they don't drive you crazy on the ride, more food for when you arrive just in case, a stroller or two, your purse, your keys, your drink, your cell phone, bug spray, sunscreen, this list could go on and on...its really a wonder we ever make it out of the house when we HAVE to, much less when we have a choice.  It's a LOT OF WORK to reach out for friendship.  The benefits we gain from the connections we make are worth so much, though...I really am the world's worst at reaching out but I will also be the loudest one preaching about how important it is. 

After reading chapter 2, I organized a playdate in my home and invited about 20 moms (mostly from my new MOPS group) and their littles over to play and have lunch.  I did it before I had a chance to chicken out.  This also meant I had to clean up and try NOT to think about all the clutter and mismatched furniture I own and worry about WHAT they will THINK!  In the end, only 3 moms came but we had a really nice time visiting with each other.  I made one new friend and got to know the other two a little better.  Next time we get together, we will have a little bit more of a history together to build on. 

Chapter 11, Triple Dog Dare: Can We Really Live This Out? was another personal favorite, as it was kind of a step 2 to chapter 2.  This chapter, I believe, in a nutshell says, "Be the kind of friend to others that you want them to be to you."  If they have a need you can fill, fill it.  If they seem stressed, ask them if you can help lighten their load.  If their arms are full, offer to help carry a bag or if you are really lucky, their baby.  If their children are sick, be worried about them and show you care.  If you see they are struggling financially, bless them.  If you can see they need a date night out in a bad way, offer to keep their children.  If you get invited to a party, show up to it if it's possible.  If they need to vent and unload during an inconvient time for you, let them anyway, and make them feel like you have all the time in the world.  If you know they love soda, buy an extra one while you are out and drop it by, on your way to wherever you are headed.  (Just ask if you need my address!)  Basically, just get outside of your own little world and see the needs around you.  You don't have to rearrange your life to be a good friend.  Sometimes the smallest things mean the most. 

This book is not ground breaking in any way.  Its more of a gentle and encouraging reminder to live life.  Its a whisper in your ear telling you that you CAN do this.  You CAN survive this thing we call motherhood but you can't do it alone.  Don't take it all on yourself.  It's too much.  Reach out and connect with others.  After all, if we are going to be crazy, at least we can be crazy together!

...So let us run the race that is before us and never give up!...  Hebrews 12:1

To order your own copy of this book, visit here:
http://www.amazon.com/Mom-Connection-Creating-Relationships-Motherhood/dp/0800721152/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1336603727&sr=1-1

National Day of Prayer

Today is the National Day of Prayer. I didn't know this until I saw a few people posting about it on social media. Since we homeschool, I try to make note of days like this with the children and set aside lesson time to discuss it. And this one especially, since God isn't welcome in public school much these days. Celebrate Dr. Suess' birthday? You betcha! Spend a whole week prepping for that day. A day to set aside praying for our leaders? Not so much.

We started by looking up the background and mission of the day. Interesting enough, but I could tell the girls' attention was fading so we took the list of recommended things to pray for and talked about what we could pray for each group, specifically. This is where they became engaged and started really blowing my mind with their high level thinking and ability to communicate those high level thoughts...something I struggle with so much! (I'm always wishing I could verbalize what I want to say more intelligently!)

Here is the recommended list of prayer points for today's special day:

Emphasize prayer for America and its leadership in the seven centers of power:

Government

Military

Media

Business

Education

Church

Family

These thoughts below were actual unprompted ideas from my children, ages 13 and 10:

Government - Pray that they will seek God in making important decisions for our country

Military - Pray for their safety while they are away serving, pray for their families at home who are living without them and pray for their ability to function well and feel normal when coming home.

Media - Pray that they will keep television shows PURE and appropriate for the whole family.

Business - Pray that they will seek God when making business decisions and not be afraid to proclaim Christ.

Education - Pray for our leaders in schools and our teachers. Pray that more believers will go into the field of education and therefore hopefully will bring God back into the schools! Thank God that we are allowed freedom in education and the ability to homeschool if we choose.

Church - Pray that the body of believers will grow in relationship to Christ, to each other and congregation size. Pray that the church can be a bigger influence in the community.

Family - Pray for families to be strong and seek God. Pray for adopted children and foster children who come from broken families, that they find love and acceptance and what it feels like to have a family. Pray for the broken families, that they will heal and for the families that can't stay together, that they can retain a friendly and loving relationship with each other.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing well enough as a mother to my children. I have a long running list in my head of things I am not doing and ways I am not good enough. I don't have to look very far to see a mom that is so much better at so many things! I wonder if decisions I am making on their behalf are best or if I am really messing up. But I will say, in moments like today, while sitting next to these girls and hearing them speak out about issues like this, in their own words and from their own hearts...I want to weep and raise my hands to God in gratitude for letting me share life with them. In moments like this, I feel like in the MOST important things, maybe I'm not doing so bad after all.

confession: adolescent sin

I just got off of Facebook for the night and I must confess:  I get jealous when I see my besties post pictures of new friends.  It's so ridiculous...but true.  It only is fleeting, thank goodness...but its there.  I miss them.  I feel like I am a world away.  Who are these new hip people sitting at her dinner table?  Hmph...  Don't they know she was my friend before they even came along?????  I get very cranky and pubescent when I'm tired.  Goodnight!  Lord, please forgive me for being sinful and refill me tonight with Your presence while I sleep in your arms.

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Deep Thoughts to Follow...or maybe not.

Insomnia sucks. 

I think Daniel snores louder when I can't sleep...to rub it in. 

That is all. 

Adjustments

Daniel and I recently watched the movie The Adjustment Bureau, with Matt Damon. (Well, we didn't watch it WITH Matt Damon, although that would have been fun.) It was a very odd movie, full of science fiction/fantasy/spiritual undertones. The idea of the movie was that our lives are constantly monitored by workers in the "adjustment bureau." But, basically angels. And when we make choices that are not on target with the plan made for us by (their version of) God, then the workers (angels) would make little adjustments in our life...like a missed train, or a wrong turn, or forgotten keys. Little things that you don't think matter, but make a big difference because of timing. Matt Damon's character was fighting against the adjustments because he wanted to be with the girl. The girl wasn't in his life's plan. Both characters, in the end, had to decide if they wanted to give up fame and success (the world's idea of) in exchange for being able to be together, get married, live a normal, everyday life...minus the big careers (President of the U.S.) and recognition (world renowned dancer and choreographer.) It's a movie, so of course they chose each other.

This movie had me in tears at the end. It's very similar to what happened to Daniel and I. Some people thought we were crazy to get married so young. "Look at all you will be giving up, you will never have anything, you will never accomplish anything." For those that don't know, when I graduated high school, I had two choices. I could either move to Lubbock with my mother, attend Texas Tech (which was my dream) and go that route OR I could stay in Commerce, move in with my older brother, attend A&M Commerce BUT get to be with Daniel. How could I let a boy dictate important life decisions? Easy. I was in love with him. If I was going to have to make grown up decisions at age 18 then so be it. I made them. I KNOW there are some that were expecting total failure. As far as Daniel, he was going to school at College Station. He had already given that up to be with me. He was miserable there, but some didn't understand why he would choose a girl over A&M College Station. He came back to Commerce to school and got a job unloading milk trucks, working 12 hour shifts with a full school schedule, so that we could be together. Some would call it insanity. We just wanted to be together and did what we had to do to make it happen. I don't care to dream about what I could have accomplised for myself had I gone to school and gotten a degree from Tech. Daniel couldn't care less about being an Aggie. And what have we accomplished? Well, we have four incredible children. Miracles, every one of them. Daniel has a job he LOVES and enjoys that pays enough for me to be able to live out my dream of being a stay at home mom. We own our own home and two vehicles. We are involved in our church, with a church family that we love. Our family is crazy and we have the best time together. We have a marriage that we couldn't ask more from. We are more in love everyday and are closer than we've ever been. Really? Who would call the choices we've made a failure? Lost opportunities? No way! I thank God for the adjustments that have happened in our lives. We may not have important careers, notariety or wealth, but we have many accomplishments that we are very proud of. And that movie we watched, was on our 13th wedding anniversary. Perfect. The song we danced to at our wedding reception was "Me and You" by Kenny Chesney. "Like a perfect scene, from a movie screen, where dreams come true." That's our life, baby!